Animal I've Become

So, most people know what I have been through the past year and a half, and I had already lost myself majorly, parts of me were slowly chipping away and over these really bad times, I tried hard to find myself, to even get my old self back, but I just kept losing her, I am still losing her, it is like a roller coaster, so many ups and downs, good and bad days, this time last year, I was sometimes taking things minute by minute, other days, hour by hour, day by day, this would go in circles. I wasn't breathing right, through the stress and grief. I got to the point where I barely left the house, made no contact with anyone, woke up hourly gasping for air, I told my counsellor this, thinking it was me having nightmares I just couldn't remember coz I would wake up so dazed and crying. She said it was just my subconscious grieving. I was a hugeeeeeeee mess!!! I am not going through that now, thank goodness, and haven't for a while. I also lost my 'daily routine' of things, my mother couldn't grasp it, she just said I was being lazy. I am still trying to get my full daily routine back, I am getting there, slowly. But while going through all of this, I have become so angry, next to no patience or tolerance, paranoid, more insecure than ever and so anti-social. I cannot stand it, not to mention anxiety attacks, thank goodness I have not had one in a month. I can be totally fine one minute and next minute I just find myself silently staring at nothing. I am fed up with being like this and feeling this way and I decided today that I was gonna go to war with myself, I will not stop til I have defeated this animal I have become, I look in the mirror and I am angry at myself for letting this get to this stage. I am in no way a joy to be around anymore and I need to change it. For my loved ones and my closest friends. I need to do it for my fiance, I know he gets so irritated and sometimes sad, even sometimes he feels helpless when I am like this and I cannot risk losing him. He came into my life for a reason, and I want and need a real chance at happiness. Most importantly I have to fight this animal I have become for myself.