Thursday 17 November 2011
Thursday 20 October 2011
Monday 26 September 2011
thanks Mum
Your 'compliments' are so back-handed, a double-edged sword ' ohhh you look really nice today, ewww but that eyeshadow makes you look like a drag queen'.
So we argued about my mess of a life for 6hrs straight the other night, if you are not trying to tell me how to cook, you are telling me how to wash clothes, I am 34, I have lived out of home since I was 18.
No wonder why I cannot bare to look at myself in the mirror with pride.
I got rid of one asshole out of my life who made me feel worthless, useless and helpless and I still have to hear it from you?
It has gotten to the stage where I never call you or visit you and when I am around you I feel like I am suffocating. I can barely hug you when you hug me.
You said some really harsh thing to me the other night that really offended me but looking back, you are really speaking the truth, I am all of those things.
Hopefully not for much longer....
It seems I cannot even be a daughter you can be proud of.
Thursday 22 September 2011
Wednesday 21 September 2011
Little Lady-Ed Sheeran
Listen little lady,
This is just the worst way to spend your birthday,
It's thirty degrees, Thursday.
You work late, you is w
ith a perv making dirty fake love in his Mercedes.
Lady, the word rape sums up events that take place every night.
You wanna get up but you know your legs will ache if you try.
And you remember that your punter went crazy last night,
You drag yourself to the mirror to check your face, then you cry.
Forget the visit to the clinic you were booked in for,
You'll make a trip to the Whittington where they'll look at your jaw.
They'll be inquisitive and ask about your business for sure,
They'll know your fibbing if you tell them you got hit by a door.
But young woman the pimp sees you as nothin' but a dumb hooker,
Medical attention could be fatal
'Cause the cunt wouldn't ever let a doctor near someone that's getting dough for him,
'Cause next you got poxy authorities sticking their nose in.
She's just under the upper-hand.
And goes mad for a couple grammes.
And she don't wanna go outside, tonight.
'Cause in the pipe she'll fly to the motherland and,
Sell love to another man.
It's too cold outside, for angels to fly.
For angels to fly.
Little lady,
Your mind you've made up,
Your injuries you can't hide with make-up.
You need some medical advice, you make up,
A little lie to say just in case the Doc opens his eyes and don't decide to play dumb.
With any luck you'll see the same dude that stitched your top lip,
Last year when your pimp just lost it.
He wouldn't recognize you if you stared him in the face anyway
'Cause all the Herroin is making you age,
But your a heroin for taking the strain of being a prostitute and punching back the funds you have left, go where you from using money gram.
Mother had to get you out of the motherland, to study,
That was all she struggled to have a single daughter with the upper hand.
Little does she know, your never coming back
She put you in her brother's hands only for him to formulate another plan
He's the fucking cause of your appalling state this summer
Fancy that? You came to London to get pimped by your Uncle, Damn.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/e/ed+sheeran/little+lady_20902816.html ]
She's just under the upper-hand.
And goes mad for a couple grammes.
And she don't wanna go outside, tonight.
'Cause in the pipe she'll fly to the motherland and,
Sell love to another man.
It's too cold outside for angels to fly,
Now a angel will die, covered in white
With eyes closed, and hoping for a better life
This time I'll fade out tonight,
Straight down the line.
Little lady,
Your trembling with fear,
Your skinny frame kinda resembles a deer,
Your sitting facing a detective oh dear
The meddling nurse couldn't just leave it,
She's only gone and made it much worse calling police in,
She'll never know the gravity of the damage she's caused
Your causing scandal going mad in the ward now,
The copper's trying to calm you,
Telling you he won't let no one harm you
The same question he keeps trying to ask you,
Who you working for?
He's talking to you like your worth more than a dirty whore
Your having a conversation you could be murdered for
Your learning more about exactly why you need to help bring him or her to court
He's kicking knowledge you ain't ever heard before
Just before he leaves he reassures you that he knows that it's hard
He underlines a mobile number you can phone on his card
Begs you to use it he's useless if your ganna to be stupid
'Cause a answer hasn't come from your bruised lips
You're on your own,
You've gotta go and give your pimp what you owe,
You reach your door and then it dawns that you've been followed home
Before you turn around you feel a cold blade on your throat
And then a voice says 'where you been bitch I wanna know.'
No prizes for guessing who it is resistance would be foolishness,
You open the front door, he boots you in
There's something new in him, he's silent now
That fills you with terror
Get your alibi straight you could be killed for an error
He towers over you, the six inch knife catches the sunlight
At this point, your life flashes before your eyes
Your handbags dropped and all the contents are all over the floor
Despite the mess there's only one thing that caught his eye.
And in the moment of rage he brutally murders his niece and dumps her body in the boot of his Merc's in the street.
Little lady left this earth in the worst way, all because she got a card on her 13th birthday...
And we're all under the upper-hand.
And go mad for a couple grammes.
And we don't wanna go outside, tonight
Cos in the pipe she'll fly to the motherland
And sell love to another man,
It's too cold outside for angels to fly
For angels to fly,
Fly, Fly
For angels to fly, to fly, to fly.
Angels to die.
This is just the worst way to spend your birthday,
It's thirty degrees, Thursday.
You work late, you is w
ith a perv making dirty fake love in his Mercedes.
Lady, the word rape sums up events that take place every night.
You wanna get up but you know your legs will ache if you try.
And you remember that your punter went crazy last night,
You drag yourself to the mirror to check your face, then you cry.
Forget the visit to the clinic you were booked in for,
You'll make a trip to the Whittington where they'll look at your jaw.
They'll be inquisitive and ask about your business for sure,
They'll know your fibbing if you tell them you got hit by a door.
But young woman the pimp sees you as nothin' but a dumb hooker,
Medical attention could be fatal
'Cause the cunt wouldn't ever let a doctor near someone that's getting dough for him,
'Cause next you got poxy authorities sticking their nose in.
She's just under the upper-hand.
And goes mad for a couple grammes.
And she don't wanna go outside, tonight.
'Cause in the pipe she'll fly to the motherland and,
Sell love to another man.
It's too cold outside, for angels to fly.
For angels to fly.
Little lady,
Your mind you've made up,
Your injuries you can't hide with make-up.
You need some medical advice, you make up,
A little lie to say just in case the Doc opens his eyes and don't decide to play dumb.
With any luck you'll see the same dude that stitched your top lip,
Last year when your pimp just lost it.
He wouldn't recognize you if you stared him in the face anyway
'Cause all the Herroin is making you age,
But your a heroin for taking the strain of being a prostitute and punching back the funds you have left, go where you from using money gram.
Mother had to get you out of the motherland, to study,
That was all she struggled to have a single daughter with the upper hand.
Little does she know, your never coming back
She put you in her brother's hands only for him to formulate another plan
He's the fucking cause of your appalling state this summer
Fancy that? You came to London to get pimped by your Uncle, Damn.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/e/ed+sheeran/little+lady_20902816.html ]
She's just under the upper-hand.
And goes mad for a couple grammes.
And she don't wanna go outside, tonight.
'Cause in the pipe she'll fly to the motherland and,
Sell love to another man.
It's too cold outside for angels to fly,
Now a angel will die, covered in white
With eyes closed, and hoping for a better life
This time I'll fade out tonight,
Straight down the line.
Little lady,
Your trembling with fear,
Your skinny frame kinda resembles a deer,
Your sitting facing a detective oh dear
The meddling nurse couldn't just leave it,
She's only gone and made it much worse calling police in,
She'll never know the gravity of the damage she's caused
Your causing scandal going mad in the ward now,
The copper's trying to calm you,
Telling you he won't let no one harm you
The same question he keeps trying to ask you,
Who you working for?
He's talking to you like your worth more than a dirty whore
Your having a conversation you could be murdered for
Your learning more about exactly why you need to help bring him or her to court
He's kicking knowledge you ain't ever heard before
Just before he leaves he reassures you that he knows that it's hard
He underlines a mobile number you can phone on his card
Begs you to use it he's useless if your ganna to be stupid
'Cause a answer hasn't come from your bruised lips
You're on your own,
You've gotta go and give your pimp what you owe,
You reach your door and then it dawns that you've been followed home
Before you turn around you feel a cold blade on your throat
And then a voice says 'where you been bitch I wanna know.'
No prizes for guessing who it is resistance would be foolishness,
You open the front door, he boots you in
There's something new in him, he's silent now
That fills you with terror
Get your alibi straight you could be killed for an error
He towers over you, the six inch knife catches the sunlight
At this point, your life flashes before your eyes
Your handbags dropped and all the contents are all over the floor
Despite the mess there's only one thing that caught his eye.
And in the moment of rage he brutally murders his niece and dumps her body in the boot of his Merc's in the street.
Little lady left this earth in the worst way, all because she got a card on her 13th birthday...
And we're all under the upper-hand.
And go mad for a couple grammes.
And we don't wanna go outside, tonight
Cos in the pipe she'll fly to the motherland
And sell love to another man,
It's too cold outside for angels to fly
For angels to fly,
Fly, Fly
For angels to fly, to fly, to fly.
Angels to die.
I Go To Sleep by Aussie Singer SIA
I dream you are there with me
Though you are far away
I know you'll always be near to me
I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me
I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me
I look around me
And feel you are ever so close to me
Each tear that flows from my eye
Brings back memories of you to me
I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me
I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me
I was wrong, I will cry
I will love you till the day I die
You were all, you alone and no one else
You were meant for me
When morning comes again
I have the loneliness you left me
Each day drags by
Until finally my time descends on me
I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me
I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me
Monday 19 September 2011
Animal I've Become
So, most people know what I have been through the past year and a half, and I had already lost myself majorly, parts of me were slowly chipping away and over these really bad times, I tried hard to find myself, to even get my old self back, but I just kept losing her, I am still losing her, it is like a roller coaster, so many ups and downs, good and bad days, this time last year, I was sometimes taking things minute by minute, other days, hour by hour, day by day, this would go in circles. I wasn't breathing right, through the stress and grief. I got to the point where I barely left the house, made no contact with anyone, woke up hourly gasping for air, I told my counsellor this, thinking it was me having nightmares I just couldn't remember coz I would wake up so dazed and crying. She said it was just my subconscious grieving. I was a hugeeeeeeee mess!!! I am not going through that now, thank goodness, and haven't for a while. I also lost my 'daily routine' of things, my mother couldn't grasp it, she just said I was being lazy. I am still trying to get my full daily routine back, I am getting there, slowly. But while going through all of this, I have become so angry, next to no patience or tolerance, paranoid, more insecure than ever and so anti-social. I cannot stand it, not to mention anxiety attacks, thank goodness I have not had one in a month. I can be totally fine one minute and next minute I just find myself silently staring at nothing. I am fed up with being like this and feeling this way and I decided today that I was gonna go to war with myself, I will not stop til I have defeated this animal I have become, I look in the mirror and I am angry at myself for letting this get to this stage. I am in no way a joy to be around anymore and I need to change it. For my loved ones and my closest friends. I need to do it for my fiance, I know he gets so irritated and sometimes sad, even sometimes he feels helpless when I am like this and I cannot risk losing him. He came into my life for a reason, and I want and need a real chance at happiness. Most importantly I have to fight this animal I have become for myself.
Saturday 17 September 2011
The Worry List- Blue October
Don't be concerned, it's just the power of a breaking heart.
How good am I hiding it?
Look, I've got some bad intentions.
Guilty as fucking charged.
Still standing stable, more than able 'cause I know who you are.
I know the birthdays, anniversaries, all the first days I missed.
I regret them all.
But now I know this:
I know that God exists.
I held her in my arms.
I never knew I was able to ever feel this strong.
Take me off your worry list.
It'll be better that way.
I'm really fine and there's nothing we haven't talked about.
So, take me off your worry list I said, "Throw it away."
This is what my life is about.
I might have been gone but I never walked out.
I've taken a thousand red eyes to change your point of view.
What kind of man would take the trust you break and still follow through?
'Cause I'm standin' right here.
And you may not show up.
This same gate 14 where, honestly, I'm just sick of calling your bluff.
And it's just embarrassing, that I nearly threw up
And I'm trying hard to change the things I always screw up.
And at the top of my list, this visitation's no relationship.
But I gotta make the best of it.
'Cause I know -
I know that God exists.
I held her in my arms.
I never knew I was able to ever feel this strong.
Take me off your worry list.
It'll be better that way.
And I'm doin' fine and I've got plenty of friends around.
Take me off your worry list.
Just throw it away.
Well, it's time to stand up on my own for her.
'Cause I'm packing it up, and I'm comin' today.
I couldn't wait to finally pick my family up.
Everything is quiet and covered in snow.
There's something wrong here...
Nobody's at home.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Now, I'm back in the driver's seat.
Heading back home.
Yeah, back to Texas on my own.
Take me off your worry list.
It'll be better that way.
And I'm doin' fine and I've got plenty of friends around.
Take me off your worry list.
Just throw it away.
Yeah, it's time to stand up on my own for her.
I'm packing it up, and I'm comin' today.
This is what my story's about.
I might have been gone but I never walked out.
I'm packin' it up, and I'm comin' today.
This is what your story's about.
My pretty little girl, can you figure it out?
If it helps to know so there is no doubt,
Just listen to the stories.
Not everything is glorious.
Some hurt, some love, some shout.
I fought the world and I lost that bout.
And you are what my album's about.
I might have been gone, but I never walked out.
All Your Hate
Got a problem with me?
Solve it.
Think I'm trippin'?
Tie my shoes.
Can't stand me?
Sit back down.
Can't face me?
Turn around.
Friday 16 September 2011
clumsy
Yep folks, I really couldn't get much more clumsy and un-coordinated if I tried, every single day I am either falling off my bed, walking into things, tripping over things, falling over things or walking into walls, especially the hallway wall on the corner, and each time I do, I am sooooo shocked and surprised and I am like 'hey, how the fuck did you get there? you weren't there before'!!!! -.-
This just happened......
iFail- I forgot the little table was beside my bed and I wasn't looking when I got off my bed and fell ass over tit over it D: I wacked my noggin on the mirrored wardrobe. :O ahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahah
skills! ;)
This just happened......
iFail- I forgot the little table was beside my bed and I wasn't looking when I got off my bed and fell ass over tit over it D: I wacked my noggin on the mirrored wardrobe. :O ahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahah
skills! ;)
I lost myself, if you find me, the old me, please return myself to me, thanks.
Ok, so I was in a relationship for 13yrs straight, married almost 9yrs, he was a part of my life for 20yrs and in that time, being constantly told you are worthless, no good, a liar, a cheat, etc, over time you believe it, and each time, a part of you dies, a piece of your soul falls away, til you don't even recognise yourself anymore.
That happened to me, and since he left, I have been trying desperately to find myself again, and I am failing miserably, instead I have become extremely emotional, irrational, anxious,anti-social, angry, overly sensitive, vague, absent minded, paranoid and insecure....sure, all those 'traits' were always there to some extent, but now they are there more than ever, and I don't like it, I am trying to fight it, I don't want them to define me, I don't want them to push my loved ones away or my fiance. I am terrified.
Maybe the old me is gone? Maybe she has been gone for too long and I just can't get her back?
I shut people out, the only people I really open up to is my very best friend and my fiance, they know me so well, it is scary.
I find it easier to push people away and ignore them, instead of admitting I am struggling and I am not okay....
It is true, when you go through really hard times, you really do realise who your true friends are, I most certaintly have, and people that I thought would be there for me, weren't and those who I never expected would be there for me, were.
Jetty <333
p.s I am not okay, but I hope some day I can say that I am....
That happened to me, and since he left, I have been trying desperately to find myself again, and I am failing miserably, instead I have become extremely emotional, irrational, anxious,anti-social, angry, overly sensitive, vague, absent minded, paranoid and insecure....sure, all those 'traits' were always there to some extent, but now they are there more than ever, and I don't like it, I am trying to fight it, I don't want them to define me, I don't want them to push my loved ones away or my fiance. I am terrified.
Maybe the old me is gone? Maybe she has been gone for too long and I just can't get her back?
I shut people out, the only people I really open up to is my very best friend and my fiance, they know me so well, it is scary.
I find it easier to push people away and ignore them, instead of admitting I am struggling and I am not okay....
It is true, when you go through really hard times, you really do realise who your true friends are, I most certaintly have, and people that I thought would be there for me, weren't and those who I never expected would be there for me, were.
Jetty <333
p.s I am not okay, but I hope some day I can say that I am....
my fave poem
Never seek to tell thy love,
Love that never told can be;
For the gentle wind does move
Silently, invisibly.
I told my love, I told my love,
I told her all my heart;
Trembling, cold, in ghastly fears,
Ah! she did depart!
Soon as she was gone from me,
A traveller came by,
Silently, invisibly
He took her with a sigh
Ugh, unrequited love....the most painful of love...to love someone and they not love you back... </3
gut instincts
ugh, the dreaded 'gut instincts, gut feelings'......I have them all too often and 9 times out of 10, i am friggin' right. I hate it. I never wanna be right when I have those feelings!!!
But I always follow them, or I ignore them for a while until I can find ways to prove them wrong or prove that they are right.
I am not the type of person who can let things stay inside for long, I have to speak up, regardless of what truth lies ahead.
And one of my favourite sayings is IF SOMETHING SEEMS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT PROBABLY IS.
truth is a whisper
But I always follow them, or I ignore them for a while until I can find ways to prove them wrong or prove that they are right.
I am not the type of person who can let things stay inside for long, I have to speak up, regardless of what truth lies ahead.
And one of my favourite sayings is IF SOMETHING SEEMS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT PROBABLY IS.
Thursday 15 September 2011
I have had this song in my head for 2 days, like the entire time!!!!
Tears Don't Fall Lyrics Artist(Band):Bullet For My Valentine
Lets go! With blood shot eyes I watch you sleeping The warmth I feel beside me is slowly fading Would she hear me if I calls her name? Would she hold me if she knew my shame? There's always something different going wrong The path I walk's in the wrong direction There's always someone fucking hanging on Can anybody help me make things better? Your tears don't fall They crash around me Her conscience calls the guilty to come home Your tears don't fall They crash around me Her conscience calls the guilty to come home The moments died, I hear no screaming The visions left inside me are slowly fading Would she hear me if I calls her name? Would she hold me if she knew my shame? There's always something different going wrong The path I walk's in the wrong direction There's always someone fucking hanging on Can anybody help me make things better? Your tears don't fall They crash around me Her conscience calls the guilty to come home Your tears don't fall They crash around me Her conscience calls the guilty to come home Oh! Yeah! This battered room I've seen before The broken bones they heal no more, no more With my last breath I'm choking Will this ever end I'm hoping My world is over one more time Lets go Would she hear me if i called her name? Would she hold me, if she knew my shame? There's always something to be going wrong The path I walk's in the wrong direction There's always someone fucking hanging on Can anybody help me make things better? Your tears don't fall They crash around me Her conscience calls the guilty to come home Your tears don't fall [tears don't fall] They crash around me Her conscience calls the guilty to come Better! Your tears dont fall they crash around me Her conscience calls the guilty to come home. |
Free Of A Kind: Brother Vice, Sister Virtue...
Free Of A Kind: Brother Vice, Sister Virtue...: An old Cherokee to his grandson:
“ My boy, there's a battle between two wolves inside us all. "
He goes on to explain that while one of t...
“ My boy, there's a battle between two wolves inside us all. "
He goes on to explain that while one of t...
he broke down my walls
Well a year ago I definitely said I would never be in a relationship again and if so, not for a long time. I told myself I would not let anyone back into my heart and that I would build my walls back up, stronger than ever and not let anyone in again. I was content, and ready to be alone for the rest of my life. I had told myself I was okay with that.
But someone fell into my life, collided with mine, took me by suprise, caught me off guard, he came crashing through my walls at the most unexpected time in my life, literally the worst time in my life. But I couldn't turn him away, I couldn't let him walk out of my life, because, nobody like him had ever walked into it before, and I doubt ever would again.
He is everything and so much more to me, I am not trying to sound dependant on him at all, but if you could see inside my heart and head, then you would understand what I mean. Things always sound better in my head, I tell him that alot. LOL....
He is my drug, my air, my light, this man is etched into my soul. The greatest love I have ever known.
' Our friends would all make fun of us, and we'll just laugh along because we know, that none of them have ever felt this way'......
But someone fell into my life, collided with mine, took me by suprise, caught me off guard, he came crashing through my walls at the most unexpected time in my life, literally the worst time in my life. But I couldn't turn him away, I couldn't let him walk out of my life, because, nobody like him had ever walked into it before, and I doubt ever would again.
He is everything and so much more to me, I am not trying to sound dependant on him at all, but if you could see inside my heart and head, then you would understand what I mean. Things always sound better in my head, I tell him that alot. LOL....
He is my drug, my air, my light, this man is etched into my soul. The greatest love I have ever known.
' Our friends would all make fun of us, and we'll just laugh along because we know, that none of them have ever felt this way'......
i love you <333
Tuesday 13 September 2011
A year ago....
A year ago I was grief stricken
A year ago I was depressed
A year ago I was lost
A year ago I was devastated
A year ago I was confused
A year ago I was in shock
A year ago I was anti-social
A year ago I was heart broken
A year ago I was alone
A year ago I was miserbale
A year ago I was suicidal
A year ago I was weak
A year ago I was insecure
A year ago I was angry
A year ago I was bitter
A year ago I was hanging by a moment
A year ago I was holding onto false hope
A year ago I couldn't even function enough to cope.
Today I am not grief stricken
Today I am not devastated
Today I am not confused
Today I am not heart broken
Today I am not alone
Today I am not miserable
Today I am not bitter
Today I am not hanging by a moment
Today I am not holding onto false hope
Today I am able to function more, so I can cope.
A year ago I was depressed
A year ago I was lost
A year ago I was devastated
A year ago I was confused
A year ago I was in shock
A year ago I was anti-social
A year ago I was heart broken
A year ago I was alone
A year ago I was miserbale
A year ago I was suicidal
A year ago I was weak
A year ago I was insecure
A year ago I was angry
A year ago I was bitter
A year ago I was hanging by a moment
A year ago I was holding onto false hope
A year ago I couldn't even function enough to cope.
Today I am not grief stricken
Today I am not devastated
Today I am not confused
Today I am not heart broken
Today I am not alone
Today I am not miserable
Today I am not bitter
Today I am not hanging by a moment
Today I am not holding onto false hope
Today I am able to function more, so I can cope.
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